nonesensed | D&D + January Realizations

Maaaan, had such a great session of D&D last night XD I kept throwing curve balls at the players, hinting at a possible side-plot they could get involved with (while riding through unknown woods looking for the husband of the shop keep NPC they've gotten attached to). Let's just say that the one player who had to leave early was all "When is next time????" and also got super curious when we met up on the commuter train this morning. Makes me feel happy about my story set-up :)

D&D aside, January has been a month of realizations for me. The main one being that I'm not just burned out because of work, I'm burned out because of me.

By this I mean that while my previous job was inhumanely structured and clearly in violation of soooo many worker's rights, the main reason I'm still messed up (and of late getting these panic attacks) is because I've internalized that job. All I do nowadays is goal oriented. I've always been ambitious to the point of it harming me - I literally once broke my own back because I refused to lose a karate match and I've stressed out over grades since the moment I got my first one. So of course this job messed with my head. Of fucking course.

I read 80 books last year, finished NaNoWriMo and Yuletide, wrote a lot on several of my very very long writing projects, hung out with friends, hosted a huge LARP, DM:ed D&D etc etc and worked full time with a lot of overtime all through 2018 and still feel I didn't do enough. As if having fun or just existing is some kind of job or exam I will be graded on. Not good for your health, yanno?

I'm thinking, the main goal for 2019 for me shall be to Do Less. Focus on having fun, focus on not powering through "just to get things done". I have time. I need to let myself realize that. Otherwise I will continue to be so exhausted that all I do with my free time is sit and stare and wish I had the energy to do all the fun stuff I really want to do.

So yeah. Goal is do less! Wohoo? ...yup, wohoo! 2019, self-care year!